Dear Ben and Jerry,

First, I would like to offer my compliments. Your ice cream is quite savory. It tickles my tongue on all the right taste sensors. I love the handy size that the carton is. It is so perfect for holding in one hand while the other hand scoops. I would also like to congratulate you on your obvious success as ice cream creators. Your company is very popular. I do, however, have one complaint. I am getting fat. Yes, shocking I know. It is so hard for me to write this to you because I love your company. I just could not get on with my life until I had gotten that out. You have delighted so many tummies and comforted so many newly single women that its hard for me to put any mark upon your name. But it had to be done. Those single women are now even more single than before. The reason is your ice cream. It is a tragic cycle of sadness, then eating, than an even more painful sadness. I only felt responsible for my fellow females out there, eating away their souls. Please excuse me for tarnishing your name Ben and Jerry, but I sit here holding and empty carton of Banana Split flavored ice cream, and I cant help but wondering... why not fat free?
Please take it into consideration dear friends.
Thank you very much for your time.
Sincerely,
Lily Coose, Devoted Female Customer

All I Need

I love making lists, so I've made a list of the things I need to keep me happy for a little while. Not to say without them I am unhappy, or that with them I am content with my life.
You know what I mean.
Here we go then.
-Coffee
-Bananagrams
-Peter Doherty

-Crest Whitestrips
-Text messaging
-Myspace comments
-Blogs

-my facebook group about myself
-nail polish
-cucumber and cantaloupe candles from yankee c.c.
-Geico commercials
-Elton John
-Gilda Radner

-movies
-youtube
-Strawberry cake
-Playing guitar and piano
-singing badly
-Chicken Pho (soup)

-Sushi
-Ben and Jerry's (banana split!)
-Macaroni and Cheeze (Kraft)
-my bed
-Pooh Bear! (my kitty)
-driving with people
-changing outfits
-snakes
-vintage pinup stuff
-1920's era

-crazy art
-graffiti
-gossiping about people i dont know
-Hunter S. Thompson


-making up crazy stories
-writing poetry
-writing poetry about my made up crazy stories
-laughing about anything
-lol cats
-rainbows and unicorns

Coffee is God Pt. 2

Someday, I assume there will be a "Coffee Prohibition". When this day comes I will be like Santiago(we got some existentialism going on in english)and I will suffer with grace and dignity. I will also become a coffee dealer. Because keeping people alive is my "project" in life.


And if coffee becomes a drug, they will call coffee making materials "paraphenalia".
"Ma'am, did you know that the trunk of your car is filled with coffee paraphenalia?"
"No, Officer I swear it isn't mine! It's my friends car!"


And the kids will all be drinking it secretly.
"Hey maaan.. I got some hot joe at my house! Wanna go sip it out back? Its really strong maaan. It really gets you shakin.."


Common Parent-Teenager Conversation:
"Johnny! Your late coming home today, where have you been?"
"Don't worry about it Mom, I was at Randy's. Just hangin."
"Come here. Whats that smell! You smell like coffee! Let me see your eyes! Are you high!?!?!"

And us older folks will remember the good old days.
"Whats that these kids are callin it these days Susan? 'Joe'? When I was in high school, we were allowed to drink coffee in class! Can you imagine!"

Too Many Movies

On my Ramona trip D. Boy and I watched EIGHT movies.
Yeah.
Insanity.
Day one: part of Monty Python, Lion King, Atlantis.
Day two: Dr. Strangelove, Sunshine.
Day three: Annie Hall, The Graduate, and the beginning of Closer.
Day four: My eyes hurt!


We also went to McDonald's a few times.

What One Does In A Rural City

These are the things to do in Ramona:
-watch 8 movies
-eat
-gaze into the refrigerator for hours
-walk from one room to the other
-make really atrocious faces at members of the family
-not know how to put the rockband drums together
-check my phone for non-existent texts
-open my phone inbox and double check for texts
-change my shoes
-fail at shopping because stores close at 5pm.
-eat breakfast with Charlotte
-deface Dans pancake because he wouldnt get up
-make pancakes shaped like birds
-name them Birdie Bites!
-get yelled at by dan
-get called fat
-get made fun of
-get put on a diet
-make a pizza and spend hours picking off the meat
-NOT go on the internet
-sit down
-stand up
-punch Dan in the spleen
-get punched in the arm
-get punched in the ribs
-get punched in the leg
-beat Dan up
-fail miserably at super smash
-get laughed at by josh
-eat soup
-get laughed at by Charlotte
-get laughed at by bev
-play with cross eyed cats
-wonder how woodpeckers are not retarded
-find out that dan listens to lady gaga alot
-laugh at this
-yell at the GPS
-yell at the TV
-yell at the internet connection
-yell at sammee on the phone (she stole ian)
-not finish my knitting
-read Vonnegut
-quote pretentious books to one another
-walk around the garden
-not do any gardening
-drink almost an entire case of bottled water
-sing the song "just dance" a million times
-dance to the song "just dance" the entire time
-sing dixie chicks songs
-pretend to not like lady gaga and the dixie chicks
-stare endlessly out the car window
-be really overwhelmed by the actually gorgeous scenery
-fall in love with the hills
-fall in love with the baby sheep
-fall in love with bottled water(its so convenient!)
-see a bison
-see a bison fetch for a ball!
-make a list of things to do in Ramona

A Very Serious Letter

Dear Dan,
Thank you for buying me guitar strings. It was the best idea ever. I can now play guitar without sounding like a fool. My E note may actually be an E now. The strings actually resonate and they dont buzz. It is in fact, incredible. It just goes to show that after seven years of use and misuse, guitar strings do not, in fact, work. The only reason they lasted this long is because I am so magical that the strings never wanted to break. Also, thank you for the the endless amounts of chicken mcnuggets and french fries that you buy me. I will one day buy you something so grand you will forget that your tax refunds were spent on me.
Perhaps I will buy you some very nice shades. They will be so snazzy that when you walk down the street, some really cool producer will notice you and comment on your shades.
"Snazzy shades, man."
"Thanks alot man. I dig yours too."
You will respond politely and walk away humming a catchy tune. The producer will stop you again,
"Excuse me again, sir, I'm ever so sorry, but what is that catchy tune?"
"Oh," you will say, "Just a little something I wrote.."
"Please, if it isnt too intrusive, but do you have any other songs?"
Then before you know it you will be producing really great music by your new favourite bands. Your life will be going really great and then one day you will get a life changing phone call.
"She and Him is on line two." your assistant (me) will say.
"OMG OMG GIVE ME THE PHONE!" you will scream really, really quietly.
(much shuffling and rearranging of nothing and lots of you fixing your hair.)
"Hellooo.. This is Dan."
"Hello? Hi, Its Zooey Dechanel, from She and Him. M. Ward and I are thinking about making a new album.. We hear you are the best..."
And so will begin the scandalous affair of creating an album and falling in love. There will be lots of darting glances through the recording studio window. Many instances of shuffling and parallel synchronized randomness through the narrow halls of your building. Then the awkward process of moving from handshake to hug, from long hug to the quick peck on the cheek, to the kiss on the side of the mouth, to the Lily turning around when she sees a "goodbye" coming along, to Lily holding the calls when she sees the recording studio light on, to the scary glances Lily gets from Zooey, to Lily just knowing faaar too much, to Lily and Zooey becoming really really great friends.
And then when you get married to her, you will be very very glad that you bought me those guitar strings.
And so will I, because you will produce my really great acoustic covers of really stupid radio hits.
And we will all be really really happy.
The End



P.S. I love you.