A Very Serious Letter

Dear Dan,
Thank you for buying me guitar strings. It was the best idea ever. I can now play guitar without sounding like a fool. My E note may actually be an E now. The strings actually resonate and they dont buzz. It is in fact, incredible. It just goes to show that after seven years of use and misuse, guitar strings do not, in fact, work. The only reason they lasted this long is because I am so magical that the strings never wanted to break. Also, thank you for the the endless amounts of chicken mcnuggets and french fries that you buy me. I will one day buy you something so grand you will forget that your tax refunds were spent on me.
Perhaps I will buy you some very nice shades. They will be so snazzy that when you walk down the street, some really cool producer will notice you and comment on your shades.
"Snazzy shades, man."
"Thanks alot man. I dig yours too."
You will respond politely and walk away humming a catchy tune. The producer will stop you again,
"Excuse me again, sir, I'm ever so sorry, but what is that catchy tune?"
"Oh," you will say, "Just a little something I wrote.."
"Please, if it isnt too intrusive, but do you have any other songs?"
Then before you know it you will be producing really great music by your new favourite bands. Your life will be going really great and then one day you will get a life changing phone call.
"She and Him is on line two." your assistant (me) will say.
"OMG OMG GIVE ME THE PHONE!" you will scream really, really quietly.
(much shuffling and rearranging of nothing and lots of you fixing your hair.)
"Hellooo.. This is Dan."
"Hello? Hi, Its Zooey Dechanel, from She and Him. M. Ward and I are thinking about making a new album.. We hear you are the best..."
And so will begin the scandalous affair of creating an album and falling in love. There will be lots of darting glances through the recording studio window. Many instances of shuffling and parallel synchronized randomness through the narrow halls of your building. Then the awkward process of moving from handshake to hug, from long hug to the quick peck on the cheek, to the kiss on the side of the mouth, to the Lily turning around when she sees a "goodbye" coming along, to Lily holding the calls when she sees the recording studio light on, to the scary glances Lily gets from Zooey, to Lily just knowing faaar too much, to Lily and Zooey becoming really really great friends.
And then when you get married to her, you will be very very glad that you bought me those guitar strings.
And so will I, because you will produce my really great acoustic covers of really stupid radio hits.
And we will all be really really happy.
The End



P.S. I love you.